It's been a really rough year (probably my worst in 39 years) and I decided to share it in the hopes of inspiring others and letting them know they are not alone! I am very grateful to have amazing friends and family who love me, and have been there so much for me this past year when I needed it the most! I've always been a fighter in life and kept pushing on through the rough times, but this time I felt exhausted and unsure if I had the strength or even the will to keep pushing through. I have always been a very confident and secure person but lost a lot of that after my separation. I doubted myself a lot and felt I had lost my self worth. It really was the love from family and friends that got me through this! I remember thinking one day "so many people love me and yet I wasn't loving myself." That's when I realized I owed it to them to make my life better so that what they did for me wasn't done in vain!
Sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are two things to always remember when you feel like you're at your darkest moment. First one is someone out there has it much worse than you and the second one is we always find that light again. Thankfully I've found mine now!
Lastly, this story is not meant to have people feel sympathetic for me, but to hopefully help someone reading this know they are not alone. So if you are dealing with something or feel like your life is out of control then this is for you! It does get better!
I guess everything started when my marriage of four years and relationship of six years had come to an end.
The person I had loved for so many years and based my life around was gone. I was so proud to be married and if asked even a few months before we separated would have said I had a perfect marriage! But sometimes we don't know how the other person truly feels. For the last month together I had worked hard at saving my marriage and would have continued to do so until one day I realized he had already left the relationship. I've always been a fighter but I also know when I'm fighting a losing battle.
I felt like I had failed at my marriage and that was the start of my insecurities rising and self worth lowering.
At this time the owners of the restaurant i managed for asked me to open a new one for them. This seemed like such a great opportunity and actually really helped me through the separation by working 90 plus hours a week since my ex would still be living with me for the next four months.(this is New York City and not cheap lol) I opened up my new restaurant and was so proud of how things had come together. At the same time the restaurant I managed for before (which was Rachel's.. I'm sure some of you know this one) which was like my baby was changed over to a new name and cuisine. Shortly after I opened the new restaurant things started turning for the worse. I was the General manager there but the respect I had at Rachel's wasn't there, mostly because my best boss and one of Rachel's owners Louie Colantonio wasn't there. We always worked great together and he knew I knew what I was doing so always had my back, but at the new place it wasn't that way at all.
In september my ex moved out and something I wasn't expecting had happened... I got really angry at him! For months before i took the high road and made things so un-ugly since we were still living together (of course in separate rooms). I took care of the bills as always so he could save up for a new place and since at that time I could afford to. So now that he was gone I had the chance to finally be alone and really get angry! I thought how could he do this to me after everything I had done for him!. But it was what I needed to do to start healing! At this time I was also unhappy at the new restaurant and decided I needed a change. We are in charge of our own happiness, so I put my two weeks notice in and decided to reinvent my life for the better. When I left my restaurant eight of staff left with me which made me feel supported and like I did the right thing.
Because my friend Purdie told me It might be nice to have someone living with during the holiday she introduced me to her friend Bradley Galey who worked at the radio city show. Purdie was right, it was the perfect thing to do! Bradley is one of the best people I have ever met! He has such a huge heart and open mind. He's the friend who would give you the shirt off his back. We also shared the philosophy of not worrying what other people thought or the insults they give (me as a gay man and him as a little person). we just chalk it up to there are just a lot of ignorant people out there. I am proud and honored to say we are brothers from another mother :)
I also went on a cruise with my great friend Casey and had a blast. Finally I felt great and looked forward to my new journey! Life was looking great during the next few months but unfortunately there were a lot of hard and trying times just around the corner!
It all started on christmas day, through events that had happened the prior night my plans for having my friend Dan (who was my rock and great friend through my separation and to this day) didn't stay over as planned and I woke up for the first time in 38 years alone on christmas day (except for my beautiful dog Zsa Zsa). It is my favorite holiday and one i always shared with my loved ones, so i found myself very depressed. I remember telling myself that it could be worse, there are others who are homeless or who don't have family and friends who love them the other 364 days.So with that thought that night Dan, Bradley and I had a great christmas dinner out in Bryant park and it helped save part of the day I love so much!
About two weeks later Bradley left to go back home in California. I always said he's my Mary Poppins, He flew in when i needed him the most and left when everything was better.Or so i thought it was better.
After Bradley left I found myself alone in my apartment. I still couldn't even think about going on a date and found myself staying in a lot and each day getting more and more depressed. That year I had lost two of the most important things in my life. my husband and my restaurant Rachel's. I didn't like my job and I was almost through all of my savings. So here i was without a partner, working a lot of hours but still not making enough money for my bills, and losing my confidence and self worth. So yes I was having a huge pity party except I didn't invite anyone and just kept it all inside! I am a person who has pride and always wants to help people but not ask for help myself. I also like to help others with their problems but not share mine. Dan was the only person I'd talk to but even then would hold back. So all the emotions built up inside and made me extremely depressed but I refused to admit it even to myself.
I remember walking to work on valentine's day and seeing all the deliverers with flowers and gifts for those special someone's. That and working with all girls in the same vote as me that day made me even more depressed but like I've always said "God doesn't put on us more than we can handle" and that night I had a great dinner with my wonderful friend Jennifer and an extra bonus, I met Andrew Wailes from Australia, the most amazing man I've met in my entire life (he could also be a whole book to write,so i'll give you the highlights).
His introduction was so perfect "Excuse me,but anyone who would give you up would have to be the biggest fool!". Wow! what a great introduction! He reawakened what I thought a few months ago. He was right, I was an amazing husband who did so much in my relationship and to me my ex was a fool! We instantly connected and for the next 9 hours ( til 9 am) we talked, laughed and he complimented me like noone had ever done before. Because he was working for Carnegie hall (did I mention he's The Melbourne symphony conductor) that week he was doing all day until 10 pm and i worked nights, so every night I rushed out of work and had long, incredible and romantic dates.People had thought we had been together for years by the way we looked at each other. Just that morning I had said I won't look for anybody but will keep my mind open to meeting someone, and into my life the perfect man walked in. If there was such a thing as a soul mate then he was mine! In that week I've never felt such a connection or wanted to be with anyone more than him including my ex husband! He gave me the coat hanger smile, even as I'm writing this I have one and feel so giddy!! But unfortunately he had to go back to Australia and the romance was at an end. His parting words were " email me the photos of us in times square because I want to remember my best valentine's day (week) ever with the most beautiful man in NYC and dream very sweet dreams of him" That was just a sample of how sweet he was. There is one special picture we took, we were both posing for the camera and in the most perfect moment he turned and kissed my cheek, it was in the moment and beautiful! I have it on my phone as a screen saver because it always makes me smile! I'm going to put it on this blog so you can see for yourself. We text and call each other often,and hopefully he'll visit in january. But because I can't get a work visa (too old) and he's very important over there it looks hopeless, but i never say never and if anything he opened up my heart again!
After he left I found myself over my ex, knowing I didn't want him back, but found myself feeling like my bad luck struck again. I was still very single and this time I was facing huge financial burdens. I was literally using every dollar and changing in coins to pay bills. I was facing bankruptcy and losing my apartment, and did not feel the desire to keep going. I would never be one to take my own life but everyday I just wanted to die. I often contemplated the idea but thankfully could never do it. Everytime I heard of someone dying I would think "that poor person, they probably had so much and I have nothing. why couldn't it have been me"
For the next few months I wasn't living my life just lay in bed and go to work. I eventually swallowed my pride, i knew i was desperate, so some of my amazing friends and family made me loans and yet still i couldn't get ahead. Then one day I talked to my father and he helped me out and said to count it as the birthdays and christmas gifts he had missed. I was in complete tears and at that moment realized what I had always known before, I have so many people who love me and want the best for me! I had the greatest gift and weapon of all to destroy this bad time of my life and make a better one! So i woke up out my emotional coma and put all my positive energy back out there. I was the old me, of course i was a work in progress, but everyday I was getting better and now I'm close to that light.I see it so clearly and it feels great!
I had given up on me at one point but my friends and family never did, and for that I am the luckiest guy in the world!! The funny thing is very few people knew what was going on in my life. I like to help others but I don't like to burden people (I'm sure they wouldn't call it a burden) and I'm at my best when around people so people thought I was always happy, and in those moments I was, it was never fake. But it all ended when I came home, well not anymore!!
Did I mention, Bradley is back now, but this time when he leaves I'll know I'm not alone!
So that is the short version (if you can believe that) of my past year. I hope you leave this remembering one thing "Even in the darkest of times there is a light, sometimes you just need to flip the switch or change the light bulb"
Yay! 5 hours and one week later I have finally written this blog!!
Thanks again to all my family and friends!! I owe you my life!!
Some other very special shout outs I'd like to mention are Saundra Lowman, Douglass Tucker ,Sandy Tucker, Richard Wires, Joyce Wires, Rick Faulkingham, Joseph Martinelli, Thomas Murphy, Chris Jones, Bob Scheurer, Rachel bates, Gail Freeman, Stephanie, and Kimothy Kruse..there are so many and I wish I could name them all but that could take days!!
Love, Jefferson
